This One Time at Band Camp
by Bohemian Otaku
Summary: When everyone goes to a band competion in New York crap hits the fan. Warning for insanity cause by being in a bus for 3 days. Humor AU Multiple Pairings
1. This List and Drunken Brits

There was a huge rush from the band hall to the large board outside that had the list that posted all the students who were going to the National Jazz competion in New York City.

There was a certain Polish tenor saxophone player about to die from excitement.

You see the Pole was passionate about music but could get a A+ in procrastination.

So about 3 days before the intrested students had to audition he invited his Lithuanian best friend over (a bass clarinet player) to help him out.

They started rehearsing Friday night they finished Monday morning about 4 hours before they had to go to school.

Feliks read the list he could couldn't care less what chair he got ,just please be one of the seven that got to go.

Tenor Saxophones:

1st Chair: Lovino Vargas

2nd Chair: Arthur Kirkland

3rd Chair: Berwald Oxinstierna

4th Chair: Mathias Kohler

5th Chair: Ivan Bragniski

6th Chair: Hercules Karpusi

Moment of truth please God...

7th Chair: Feliks Lukasiewicz

"YESSSSSSSSS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Feliks laughed from sleep deprivation he could almost feel tears stinging his eyes.

He freaking made it HE Feliks Lukasiewicz was going to New York with his best friend (*cough* love intrest *cough*) and you know what he was going to finally tell him.

Francis smiled cockily

He was first chair flute...and YES the flute is a manly intrustment

Elizaveta was second chair

Natalia was third chair

Katayasha was fourth chair

and Bella was fifth chair

He couldn't be more pleased! His two best friends Antonio and Gilbert were coming. Also his current love intrest Arthur was going as well.

Oh his dear little lampin how adorable he was. How he tried to always to act so gentleman like when we all know he is such a little uke and every inch just as perverted as Francis.

"Hey birdy!" Gilbert called down his good friend Matthew "h-hi Gilbert". "Are you going to get to go bird" "y-yeah I-I-I got f-first" "ahh birdy you cold?" "w-why" "you're stuttering like crazy your teeth must be chattering".

No...it was a nervous stutter.

"N-no I'm n-n-not cold" Gilbert took off his black leather jacket and wrapped it around Matthew's shoulders. "There you go bird~ that should help".

Gilbert had no clue of the gravity that putting that leather jacket around that small boy's arm did.

You see Matthew was gay. Not just bi-curious were talking flaming freaking rainbows gay, and since he has been ten years old the year Matthew and Gilbert became friends Matthew was in the deep depths of perilous, puppy love.

Gilbert- per usual- was clueless and just thought he was helping out a cold friend.

Matthew wasn't cold but if anyone asked HE WAS FREEZING why else would he be pressing his nose into the collar of Gilbert's coat ,most certainly not to smell the smell which was Gilbert - which spelt like cologne, beer, and cigarettes- but no because he was just...so...COLDDDDD.

There was a slight silent when Matthew try to offer the jacket back "naww it's cool bird keep it till you warm up we awesome people don't get cold".

Gilbert ran off to talk to Francis and Gilbert while Matthew felt himself die a little inside.

Arthur look at the list...not...first...chair?

Well let me tell you Arthur most certainly wasn't expecting THAT!

Let me tell you another thing he FLIPPED.

"...second CHAIR YOU HAVE TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME!" he flipped over a chair "THIS HAS TO A BE A SODDING JOKE THERE IS NO WAY THAT STUPID LITTLE GIT BEAT ME" he hollered pointed at Lovino.

Francis smelt the familiar scent of English Alchohal in the air...crap his lampin was gong to get him self exspelled Francis could hear the slur in Arthur's voice.

Time to take precautions. Francis wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist from behind "well I wish adieu to all you lovely ladies and gentlemen nice seeing you" he pulled the drunken Arthur in a janitor's closet.

"MON CHER! What did I tell you about this" "I don't hwave tew listen to the likez of you".

Francis shook Arthur by the arms "you don't have to listen to me you stupid, acholic, little brit but you are going to have to listen to the Super Intendent when he exspells you for drinking on campus...again".

Arthur tsked, Francis' exspression soften "go home I'll tell them you got sick just get here tommorow morning so you won't be late because I don't want to be half way to New York and have to tell the driver to turn around to pick up your sorry ass".

Francis stroked his cheek nicely Arthur leaned into the touch and felt a smile about to grow at the corner of his lips but just as quick pulled away.

"You stupid frog" Arthur walked out of the janitor's closet and fell down drukenly Francis sighed and helped up the brit.

Skipping fourth period he drove Arthur home even though he should have kicked out in the street because he threw up- twice- in his French sports car.

END of chapter one

What to you guys think? I really like this idea and I plan on keeping it please R and R :D


	2. Oh Where is Mathias' Hairbrush

**This Chapter was really long but quite fun to write by the way Arthur is punk! Arthur so this is what he basically looks like regular punk clothing black eyeliner and purple hair.**

Chapter 2: Oh Where is Mathias' hairbrush

No one was really happy to be up at 5 am outside the lock band hall waiting for the bus.

So of course Alfred had to start something.

He grabbed Mathias and whispered something in his ear Mathias giggled and whispered the same thing into Antonio's who giggled and whispered the same thing into Gilbert's ear who giggled and whispered the same thing into Francis' ear who giggled and whispered the same thing into Feliks' ear.

The entire band that was going was there cuddling with their lovers or friends trying to fight off the morning cold sitting on their cases.

Alfred stood up and shouted.

"SILENCE"

Yeah there was silence alright, because when Alfred yells the world stops

you want to know why?

Because it's freaking scary!

Alfred held a serious straight expression and began to talk like someone died. His serious reptoir completely distracted everyone from the large stack of suit cases behind him

""Now it's time for silly songs with Mathias.

The part of the show where Mathias comes out and sings a silly song.

Our curtain opens as Mathias, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Mathias, cries out..."

Alfred knocked down the large stack of suit cases to expose Mathias with his hair slicked back like Ludwig's and hidden under a beanie all he was wearing was a towel around the waist.

How Mathias didn't die from frost bite I will never know.

Right when the crowd saw Mathias they all started to laugh but were silenced by Mathias' singing.

"Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh, where,

oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh,

Where oh, where ... is my hairbrush?"

A confused giggle broke out.

"Having heard his cry, Gilbert enters the scene. Shocked and

Slightly embarrassed at the sight of Mathias in a towel, Gilbert regains his

composure and reports ..." Alfred continued in his mournful voice.

Gilbert walked onto the scene and started to sing

"I think I saw a hairbrush back there!"

Mathias made his face contort into a funny pleasure "Back there is my hairbrush. Back there is my hairbrush. Back

There, back there, oh, where, back there, oh, where, oh, where, back

There, back there, back there ... is my hairbrush!"

"Having heard his joyous proclamation, Francis enters

The scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Mathias in a

Towel, Francis regains his composure and comments ..." Alfred, mournful as ever, gestured to Francis walking up on the scene.

"Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!" Francis exclaimed a look of straight despair and anguish crossed Mathias' face.

"Mathias is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him.

No hair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become

of his hairbrush? Mathias wonders ..." Alfred put his hand out to Mathias who sang in a slow, sad voice.

"No hair for my hairbrush. No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no

Hair, nowhere, no hair, no hair, no hair, nowhere, back there, no hair

.. for my hair brush!" Mathias got to his knees in depression, but slowly got up when Alfred continued his story.

"Having heard his wonderings, Antonio enters the scene.

Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Mathias in a towel, Antonio

regains his composure and confesses ..."

"Mathias, that old hairbrush of yours ... Well, you never use it, you

Don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know. But I gave

It to Feliks- 'cause he's got hair!"

"Feeling a deep sense of loss, Mathias stumbles back and laments..." Alfred motioned to Mathias who was on his knees singing with dripping drama.

"Not fair for my hairbrush. Not fair! My poor hairbrush. Not

fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, no hair, not fair, not

fair, not fair! My little hairbrush!"

Alfred's eyes showed mock sympathy and sorrow.

"Having heard his lament, Feliks enters the scene. Himself

in a towel". Feliks walked up only in a pink towel Gilbert doing a mock cat call whistle and everyone bursting into good hearted laughter.

Alfred continued after the laughter passed

"both Mathias and Feliks are shocked and slightly

embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing Mathias'

generosity, the Feliks is thankful ..."

"Thanks for the hairbrush." Feliks shouted skipping off the scene with Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio only leaving Mathias and Alfred.

"Yes, good has been done here. Feliks exits the scene.

Mathias smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the

hairbrush, calls out ..."

Mathias finishes up the random story right as the bus pulled up

"Take care of my hairbrush. Take care, oh my hairbrush. Take

care, take care, don't dare not care, take care, nice hair, no fair, take care, take care ... of my hairbrush

Everyone applauded and whistled that was a way to start a morning.

Feliks who literally had NOTHING on other than that pink towel was freezing and now in Toris ' black knee length coat and walking onto the bus.

The bus was one of those fancy ones with bathrooms and TVs hanging down from the roofs.

The seats were super plushy and two on each side surrounded a table walls dividing each table from the other.

Gilbert, Francis and Antonio sat at one of the tables with one seat to spare which was quickly taken by Lovino who was practically force to sit in it by Antonio.

Arthur sat with Mathew, Alfred, and Peter who only got to come because he played the piccolo and was the student directors kind of "adopted" son.

By adopted I mean this

Arthur is Peter's big brother

Arthur has four older brothers which are either dead beats or in college.

Arthur and Peter have a druggie, abusive father.

Tino babysat Peter once for Arthur and told him he could take him out of this environment.

Arthur honestly, all things set aside, loves his little brother and hates to think of him growing up with their horrid father like he did so he let him go.

Berwald maybe a month or so later started to go out with Tino whose mother just died. Tino and Peter being a wreck both loving the woman Berwald takes them in to live with him and his twin brother Mathias.

You see Tino's parents were divorced when he was really young they were living in Finland at the time and when his father divorced his mother Tino's father moved to Russia. So when Tino was in middle school he moved to America and has been there since.

So when his mother died and he moved in with Berwald, Tino and him got pretty serious so basically started to raise Peter.

So long story short that's why Peter got to come on the trip.

Berwald sat with Tino, Mathias, Lukas, and Emil who sat Indian style on the table.

Everyone else for the most part found there seats and took a brief nap before someone started to talk and everyone ELSE started to talk.

Therefore everyone woke up and chatted for maybe a hour until the truth dawned over them that they were going to be in this bus for almost a total of three days…..at the least.

END of chapter two


	3. And That Mugger was like RapeRapeRape

**Oh my gosh people actually reviewed this! Thank you so much! By the way if some people were annoyed by my spelling I am so sorry I finally spent the ten bucks on the cheapest version of Microsoft Word Starter so I can have spell check lol.**

Chapter 3: And that mugger was like raperaperaperape

They stopped at burger joint when the sun finally risen. Lovino was the first one to get off the bus followed by a certain Spaniard.

"Lovi come on wait up!" "no douchebag I'm hungry" all of a sudden Antonio picked him up "will you stop".

He was holding Lovino bridal style and said Italian was squirming and fighting the restraint like crazy. "Lovi calm down I brought some food with me, I know you're such a little Gourmont you would HATE that American food".

Lovino stopped fighting but still had an irremovable scowl on his face.

"Now that you stopped moving and I can tell you what I wanted to tell you" Antonio paused Lovino arched an eyebrow "and that is! listen if you want to sit there like the idiotic to-" Lovino was cut off by the pair of lips being smashed to his face.

Gilbert got off the bus next and gaped then smiled, then whistle while clapping

"HEY FRANCY PANTS CHECK THIS OUT"

When people heard Gilbert say that some serious crap went down and people were jumping over seats in desperation to see what was going on.

When they all got off the bus they had Gilbert's same reaction.

But…for some reason Lovino wasn't exactly aware of his current situation.

But let me tell you if he knew what was his current situation he would've FLIPPED.

He finally heard the cat calls from all around and pulled away Antonio's hot, tomato scented breath still on his face.

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife folks.

Lovino went BESERK and started to kick out "LET GO OF ME YOU PERVERT".

Antonio just laughed but let go with a groan of pain when one of Lovino's angry kicks got him in the cheek bone.

Lovino huffed away into the burger joint when the rest of the Bad Touch Trio helped him off the parking lot's ground.

Francis was the first to speak "so mon cher was it everything you wanted for only God knows how long" Antonio sighed dreamily "and so much more".

Matthew sighed while munching into his burger he sat beside Lovino in the restaurant who was nervously picking at his French fries.

Matthew and Lovino despite a lot of people's knowledge were actually pretty close friends….there both loners so they were kind of alone together you know?

However they both which were nothing alike had something in common.

They both were in love.

However Matthew can scream it at the top of his lungs in his mind Lovino on the other hand….

Not so much.

"Y-you know the w-way he k-kissed you i-it looked like h-he really l-liked you"

"Psshh are you joking me the tomato-sucker like the rest of the Bad Touch Trio run on three things sex, booze, and plans they make up in their heads on how to come up with all that they can find".

"A-are you sure" "positive! I'm just a victim of one of their plans to get more sex!" "I d-don't think you're right…"

Lovino was stump…why should Matthew care at all he decide to ask.

"How so ? Why should you care anyway" "I-I don't I-I just t-think you and Antonio l-look really k-kind of c-cute together and they're not all so bad, l-like G-gilbert for example he-" "wait woah! Stop the presses YOU, the nice, refined, quiet Canadian LIKE HIM!".

"C-could you keep it d-down it's a s-secret" "I won't tell but REALLY HIM! Of all people you could like?"

"H-hey I could be utterly i-in love and not even have the balls to admit it to myself".

Every ounce of blood rushed to Lovino's face making his face as red as well…a tomato…forgive the pun please.

His hair curl started to twitch like it does on its rare occasion.

"SHUT UP!" Lovino screeched. Matthew smiled smugly "I'm going to take that as you admitting it".

"No, zip, not at all that stupid tomato sucker could go to hell in a handbag for all I care!"

Lukas bit into a piece of chicken. Mathias was giggling and making his fries talk to each other like dolls, reenacting the night Lukas and him met.

Mathias!fry was the tallest out of the three fries he was playing with, the mugger was the second tallest and Lukas was third.

"So guys, this mugger was all OVER Norge" (Lukas' nickname given to him by Mathias). Mathias continued "You know he was chasing him with his arms all stretched out you know mumbling all robot like " he made the mugger dry start chasing after Lukas!fry.

"I'm sure the mugger said rape over and over again while chasing my brother" Emil commented holding back a snicker. Mathias blinked but continued his story "so of course ME being the tough guy that I am heard Lukas' scream 'OH MY GOD A RAPIST CAN'T SOME TOTALLY, COOL, TALL, HANSOME, DANISH GUY RESCUE ME'".

Tino laughed "yeah and that's what Lukas said" "IT WAS! Now be quiet and let me finish my story!"

"So anyways I watched as the damsel in distress ran down an alley the douchebag hot on his heels I followed him to see the mugger was chasing him into a dead end pinning him to the wall" mugger!fry was chasing him into a dead end pinning him to the side of Berwald's soda bottle.

"Then all of a sudden a super, cool, Danish guy named Mathias totally saved the hot, Norwegian babe" Mathias!fry threw mugger!fry off the table and then dipped Lukas!fry.

Lukas had his head buried in his hands Mathias kissed the top of Lukas' head.

"Happy birthday Norge I love you baby"

It was Lukas Sorenson's 16th birthday and they were all sharing a story.

"Emil it's your turn" Peter, Mathias, Berwald and Tino had already told a story. Emil cleared his throat and began.

"I was five years old Lukas was six. When we were little we were best friends but Lukas was always getting his naïve and gullible little brother into trouble with you know like 'did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer'".

Mathias blinked and put his hand to his face and was dutifully smacked by Berwald.

"So I decided to exact my revenge. One day after school I pulled him by an ant pule and took out a bottle of 'vinegar'" , he did air quotes around vinegar. "I convinced him ants died from vinegar fumes and that he could lay on a fire any pile all day long as long his entire back was covered with vinegar. He agreed to test it out I rubbed the vinegar starting from above his shoulder blades to his ankles, he then lay down after almost 3 seconds he said ouch quietly".

Emil smiled smugly "that was my q, I sat down on his stomach for three minutes, I then got up and Lukas ran around arms flailing then jumped in the lake".

Everyone was reduced to hypnotic laughter even Lukas. Emil started to stutter threw laughter "w-when it was h-honey the w-whole time". Emil almost started to cry and hug Lukas "happy birthday bro".

End of Chapter 3


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